First we had to fill out applications. Then we had to get fingerprinted and have background checks run. Then we had to be interviewed by a social worker who also ensured that our home was a safe home. Then we had to pick out pictures and write a letter to our future baby’s birthmother. Now that all of that is complete, the last step is making our home a happy home.
In part it means organizing where organizing is needed, decluttering and child proofing our home…
But mostly, I’m concerned about how I’m going to clean out all of the emotional residue that is left after years of infertility. The truth is, infertility will never leave my life – our lives. It will forever shape it and will forever remind us that every human life is a gift from God, not something that we have a right to.
Everyday I’m reminded in some way that fertility comes easily to others. Everyday the divide – the chasm – that seems to separate F.H. and I from the rest of the child bearing world seems to smack us in the face unexpectedly.
Oh you weren’t thinking about that for a millisecond?
SMACK! There it is. You can’t avoid it.
You.
Can’t.
Bear.
Children.
And you still have no explanation about why.
(It’s the not knowing why – the no medical explanation for why we haven’t had children, that causes us so much suffering. We aren’t alone. 1 out of every 6 couples suffer from infertility in the U.S. and about 20% of them, have no explanation as to why.)
But I want our home to be a happy home. I want our child(ren) to grow up in a home where their parents rejoice in the day and look to the future, rather than lament over the past. Easier said than done. We have a lot of baggage to unload.
For now, F.H. and I will prepare our home, buy some essential baby items so that we will be prepared when our agency calls us to say that our Baby F. will be born soon, and relish in these last days when we have the freedom to go out whenever we want and sleep in on the weekends as long as we want.
For now, we wait, we prepare and we hope. We hope that we can leave the past behind. We hope that God will help the birth mother of Baby F. to choose adoption and later choose us to parent her child. We hope that our wait won’t be too long. 🙂
The Cutest Me 